Star Wars : Episode I

The Bombad Burger

Here it is folks, at long last!  My favorite combination of food, Star Wars and bad puns! Trust me the puns add to the flavor and experience.  Now I have to admit I know more about Star Wars than I do about cooking but I think I will do both justice.  That being said I will take full advantage of this opportunity to point out some the absolutely dumb crap Lucas has tried to pull off over the decades.  So let me get this off of my chest first...  

HAN SHOT FIRST!  WTF JAR JAR BINKS?!?!

Ah, I feel better already.

Our Dinner: The Bombad Burger

A good ol' cheeseburger is simply one of the greatest creations of mankind.  I kind of mashed this one together over the years but I have 2 recommendations on this.  1, fatty meat, it's a cheese burger, you want healthy eat tofu.  Lean beef won't help you.  The fat helps to keep the burger together while it cooks and keeps it juicy.  2, charcoals.  Yes I know that gas is easier and faster but the charcoal gives some great flavor to the mix the propane simply can't.  It is also unhealthy :)

What you need:

1 lbs ground beef no more than 80% lean

2 tbls worcestershire sauce

Pepper to taste

A burger patty press

Gorgonzola Cheese

1 large onion, red or vidalia

1 tbls butter

salt to taste

3 tbls brown sugar

Mayonnaise

Spicy steak sauce

lettuce

tomatoes

Nice hamburger buns

Get Prepped:

Light your coals.  This can take a while to get them hot, so start them first so they are ready to cook when you are.

 

In a large bowl put in the beef mix the pepper and worcestershire sauce.  Keep the salt to a low there is enough in the sauce.  Simply combine, no tools are needed we evolved with hands and fingers for a reason and it's fun.  Now make 8 balls of these and press each of them into the press to make 8 patties.  Press your thumb into half of them slightly and make a little dimple.  Now put a mound of cheese into the ones that you just pressed your thumb into.  Put the other patties on top.  You want to seal the sides of these so that the cheese does not leak out later, you can do this with your hand or put them back into the press, but gently, they're, stuffed cheeseburgers.  Then again make some small dimples in the middle.    Cover and put them in the fridge.

Cut up the onions into slices and sprinkle with some salt.

Slice tomatoes and lettuce

Get Cookin:

  

We're going to start with the onions.  Over medium heat add the butter and the onions.  Let them go for a few minutes while stirring until they start to get soft.  Then toss in the sugar until it melts down.  Then just keep them warm.

Your coals should now be ready and you can now add your burgers.  Put them on the grill right over the coals.  STEP AWAY!  Don't over manage your burgers.  They only get flipped once and do NOT press them with your spatula.  You should not press them in general because you'll squeeze out all of the juices but remember these ones have cheese inside.  You do want to keep an eye out for flare ups.  I recommend keeping a spray bottle with water to shoot down any raging flames.  Please do not take targeting lessons from the Stormtroopers can't hit jack!  Cook em the way you like em but I suggest medium rare.  While they are cooking you can toss your buns on the grill to toast them.

Now we can put it all together.  From the bottom up.  Bottom bun, mayo, burger, steak sauce, onions, tomatoes, lettuce, top bun.  Enjoy!

Our Movie:

Star Wars Episode I
 The Phantom Menace

And so it began.  My first obvious point of ridiculousness is that it took over 20 years to come up with the beginning of the story.  I will also be the first to admit that there are some major issues with the prequels so lets clear the air.  

BAD IDEAS:  Jar Jar Binks, the scientific explanation of what makes the Force, midichlorians?!?  The fact the that Yoda puppet looks less real than the one used in Empire Strikes Back 20 years beforehand.  And a little too much green screen.  I always thought that real sets made the originals great.

Good ideas: Darth Maul and a double-bladed light sabre.  Seeing the Jedi order in all its former glory.

<Spoiler Warning> I am going to go through all 6 movies here so there is little point in not giving away endings.  If you don't want a spoiler then go see them.  If you have not seen them... well, then you're a part of the problem. :)

We begin on the peaceful planet of Naboo, a beautiful planet run by a teenaged, elected queen with a really odd sense of fashion. Queen Amidala is played by Natalie Portman.  She has some problems with the Galactic Trade Federation who has decided to blockade and invade their planet.  The Galactic Republic has sent 2 Jedi as ambassadors to negotiate a peace, Qui-Gon Jinn by Liam Neeson and his padawan a young and beardless Obi-Wan Kenobi by Ewan McGregor.

We soon learn that Nute Gunray, the head of the Trade Federation, is not so in charge as he would like to galaxy to believe.  An ominous, hooded figure is the one giving the orders and commands not only the invasion of Naboo but the death of the Jedi.  Our savvy Knights escape and land in the forests of Naboo, where things get worse. 

We see here that Jedi are not perfect, there is always room to learn and improve.  In the future if you come across a rambling Gungan who does not enough common sense to run away from the battalion of massive tanks just put the audience out of their misery and stab him with your light sabre.  Qui-gon, unfortunately permits the atrocity that is Jar Jar Binks to survive.  <sigh>  With the assistance of the rest of the Gungans, who seem to hate Jar Jar as much as the rest of the galaxy, Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan find their way to the capital and rescue the queen.

As our friends attempt to breakthrough the Trade Federations blockade we do get to meet someone we were looking forward to see.  The galaxy's best little mechanic, R2-D2 himself, saves the day while the rest of his little compatriots get recycled and allows the Queen and the Jedi to escape Naboo.  But where to go next?  Their ship suffered considerable damage during the escape and they cannot make it all the way back to Coruscant.  Qui-Gon finds a suitable little place that is, hopefully, far enough out of the way that no one can find them... Tatooine.

On the desert planet of moisture farmers and twin suns we are introduced to a few more familiar faces.  At the mechanics store in the spaceport we meet a young pilot and slave, Anakin Skywalker.  We also see the other half out the robotic duo C-3PO, whose... parts are showing.  In a quick pan back to Coruscnt we also come across two of galaxy's biggest bad asses, the Sith Lords Darth Maul and his Master Darth Sideous.  

As we return to Tatooine Qui-Gon finds that they are stuck with a busted ship, no parts and no money to return to galactic civilization.  The pint-sized pilot offers to fly for them in a profitable Pod Race  and use the winnings to help them get home.  I have to say the pod race was pretty cool.  Total CG but it looks great and a little bit of slap stick goes a long way.  So three guesses who wins.  

Now they have the parts they need and "another pathetic life form".  Qui-Gon arranged for Anakin's freedom as part of his bet Watto and will return with them, but they are now hunted.  As they approach the Queens ship we get the first clash of the Light and Dark sides of the Force.  Darth Maul tracks them down and quickly battles Master Qui-Gon in the sands outside the city.  Again they quickly escape and can now bring Queen Amidala to the Galactic Republic's capital Coruscant.

The capital planet is one massive city.  The center of the known galaxy houses both the Galactic Senate and the Jedi Temple.  The Queen, with the assistance of Naboo's Senator Palpatine, attempts to maneuver to Senate to assist in the defense of their home, watch for the cameo of ET in the Senate :).  At the behest of Amidala the Chancellor of the Republic is removed and Palpatine is nominated to replace him.  Meanwhile the Jedi Council interviews young Skywalker to determine if he is suitable to be trained.  Among the Jedi Council is of course Master Yoda himself as well as Master Mace Windu.  How awesome is it that Samuel L. Jackson is a Jedi Master!!  Anyway, Queen Amidala decides that she must defend her people and returns to Naboo.

After recruiting the Gungans and their army they set to engage the battle droids in a ground assault to literate the city.  The Queen, Jedi with a small group of guards and Anakin sneak into the Royal Palace to free the Naboo fighter pilots and seize the Trade Feration's Leader Gunray.  While the fighters launch and the Gungans battle the driod army we get to enjoy the best part of the movie.  A wonderful battle of Jedi and Sith as Qui-Gon Jinn and Obi-Wan Kenobi battle the mysterous Darth Maul.  This is the kind of thing Star Wars was meant to be.

I'm not going to give all of the details but basically the good guys win... mostly.  Obi-Wan defeats Maul in fantastic style but not before Maul cuts down Qui-Gon.  After the battle is over it is announced that Senator Palpatine was, in fact, elected Chancelor Palpatine.  It is also noted at Qui-Gon's funeral that there are always two among the Sith, a master and an apprentice, which was Maul?

Best Lines:

Qui-Gon: The ability to speak does not make you intelegent.  Now get out of here.

C-3PO: I beg your pardon, but what do you mean, "naked'?
R2D2 beeps a bit
C-3PO:  My parts are showing?!

Maul: At last we will reveal ourselves to the Jedi.  At last we will have revenge.

Qui-Gon: Do you hear that?  That is the sound of a thousand terrible things headed this way.
Obi-Wan: If they find us, they crush us, grind us into tiny peices and blast us into oblivion.


Well look forward to 5 more of these and remember Eat, Drink, and May the Force be with you.